Bonerkiller: Guys Who Take Long Showers

When I take a long time in the shower, it’s because I’m working. Let’s say I’ve got a big date that night. That means I’ve got two legs to shave, two armpits to also shave, 85% of my body to exfoliate using special gloves I bought at Ulta, and I have to let my deep conditioner properly sit for the recommended 3-5 minutes. I’m fucking busy.

So, it irritates me that he’s taking so long because I know for a fact that he’s not doing anything in there. He’s just standing around zoning out. And, I’m getting sick of tapping my toe while he suds up. He’s been in there for over a half hour! Is he dead? Is he scrubbing every molecule on his skin individually? Hurry the fuck up, man. I still have to put my makeup on and he’s hogging the bathroom like a shitty older sister.

If I didn’t have such an aversion to knocking on bathroom doors and saying, “Hey! Everything okay in there?” I would knock on the door and say, “Hey! Everything okay in there?” But, I have a strict no-knocking on bathroom doors policy so I guess I’ll just sit here, make another cocktail and angrily check my watch every 30 seconds.

And, it’s not just annoying that his shower took almost 45 minutes (!), but when he finally opens the door, a giant steam cloud whooshes out of the bathroom like he’s a Ninja Turtle emerging out of a sewer grate. He’s not the hot lady in Weird Science or Nigel Tufnel; he doesn’t need to turn my bathroom into a makeshift fog machine. Great; all this humidity is gonna make doing my hair a bitch. Let me tell you, I’m two dirty martinis away from kicking the door in and screaming, “Let’s get this show on the road already! I still have to curl my hair and you’re fucking ruining everything!”

via Shmitten Kitten